I celebrated Independence Day by tackling a long overdue project . My mother-in-law passed away in April 2007 from the effects of Alzheimer's Disease. Although we suspect that she had been ill for quite some time, it was the last two years of her life that were particularly hard on the family. I wish I had been blogging then! I don't mean to be flippant, but I find that blogging helps me think through problems and analyze exactly what is going on in my life (and in my mind!)
Because my DH and I were the closest geographically to my MIL, the task of dealing with doctors, health providers, facilities, law enforcement, etc., fell to us. We are both firstborn, so you can imagine how well we documented everything! With my secretarial background, Doug's business experience, and our shared tendency to overdo, we ended up with a huge box of files. I had been reluctant to get rid of these papers thinking that I might try my hand at writing the story of our struggles with Mom and her illness. I've played around with various ways to put this story into words, even drafting a chapter or two. I would, however, inevitably walk away when it got too painful.
Yesterday, I decided the story was never going to be written. It was time to let go of the pain and time to get rid of the papers.
I went through everything page by page one last time to make certain there was nothing of continued value to the family. I set aside a few things that might have some future relevance as my father-in-law is still alive and active. The rest is in the "shred" pile.
Surprisingly, the memories came flooding back - the early morning phone calls from my FIL, our frustration that he just didn't accept what was really happening, my acute and searing anger with a system that refused to let us place Mom in a safe and secure environment against her wishes. How can a victim of Alzheimer's Disease make decisions in their own best interests? It still amazes me three years later.
The papers are gone. The anger is not.
Showing posts with label Alzheimer's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alzheimer's. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
When images from the past are painful
DH and I just returned from a short trip to check in at his mom's house. The house has been empty for about 3 years since she died. We made a commitment to his dad, who lives elsewhere, that we would visit the house once a month to make sure all is well. Dad does not want to sell the house - it's the economy, stupid! - nor does he want to rent it out. So, it sits empty in a lovely little seaside town above the Pacific Ocean. Sad ....
Part of me enjoys going to the house, especially if we are escaping the summer heat in Menifee! The phone doesn't ring, the temperature is always comfortable no matter what time of year, there is no mail - it's a great getaway for a day or two. We do maintenance, say hi to the neighbors, order take-out dinners, watch movies, and just relax.
Except when the memories and ghosts appear. Doug's mom had Alzheimer's. She was most likely ill with the disease for years before the family was aware of it. Most families have "stories," and this one is ours. During the last ten years of their marriage, Mom and Dad lived apart. Mom was quite adept at hiding her illness from Dad and from us because we saw her intermittently. By the time we realized how ill she was, she had trashed both her life and her house.
Over the last year of Mom's life, I drove to her house two or three times per week to visit, interact with various health agencies, run errands, and clean - clean, clean, clean - clean out, clean up, and clean after. I wish I had been blogging at the time! It would have been cathartic for me (and a bit overwhelming for you!)
The house is now free of junk, filth, every check written in an 80+ year lifetime, over 40 boxes of sewing projects, and 320 pounds of laundry that had to be professionally cleaned (really).
It is not, however, clear of Mom. And it never will be for me. In her heyday, Mom was the most meticulous housekeeper I have ever known. So, before I leave her house, I make sure that everything is in its place, the kitchen counters are wiped clean, the beds are made, the trash is out, there are fresh towels in the bathrooms.
She deserves nothing less. It is still her house.
Part of me enjoys going to the house, especially if we are escaping the summer heat in Menifee! The phone doesn't ring, the temperature is always comfortable no matter what time of year, there is no mail - it's a great getaway for a day or two. We do maintenance, say hi to the neighbors, order take-out dinners, watch movies, and just relax.
Except when the memories and ghosts appear. Doug's mom had Alzheimer's. She was most likely ill with the disease for years before the family was aware of it. Most families have "stories," and this one is ours. During the last ten years of their marriage, Mom and Dad lived apart. Mom was quite adept at hiding her illness from Dad and from us because we saw her intermittently. By the time we realized how ill she was, she had trashed both her life and her house.
Over the last year of Mom's life, I drove to her house two or three times per week to visit, interact with various health agencies, run errands, and clean - clean, clean, clean - clean out, clean up, and clean after. I wish I had been blogging at the time! It would have been cathartic for me (and a bit overwhelming for you!)
The house is now free of junk, filth, every check written in an 80+ year lifetime, over 40 boxes of sewing projects, and 320 pounds of laundry that had to be professionally cleaned (really).
It is not, however, clear of Mom. And it never will be for me. In her heyday, Mom was the most meticulous housekeeper I have ever known. So, before I leave her house, I make sure that everything is in its place, the kitchen counters are wiped clean, the beds are made, the trash is out, there are fresh towels in the bathrooms.
She deserves nothing less. It is still her house.
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